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Have a dog?  Have photoshop skills and/or a deep-seated distrust of Man's Best Friend?  Send us your photos at mydogthejerk@gmail.com with a caption or description and we'll post it here!  The only requirement is that it has to make us laugh, or make us fear for the future of our species, or, God forbid, both.

The Adventures of Pickle

Aside from my better-known interests (sex, drugs, trance music, more drugs, anarchy, biting cops, general violence, selling drugs, stealing the drugs back after I've sold them, sleeping 18 hours a day, interspecies intercourse, hunting endangered species, hunting human, hunting p***y, interior design), I am a budding author.  More specifically, I write children's books.  Now, before you all get your panties in a bunch (assuming you wear them, which I don't), I keep my writing completely separate from my personal life.

Well, for the most part.

Click the link below to see my first book, The Adventures of Pickle.  Enjoy!

The Adventures of Pickle

Colbert

It seems a certain TV personality has taken notice of Pickle and his exploits.  In a recent episode of "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert ran his "Threatdown" segment, where he alerts the public to the greatest threats to mankind, national security, the tilt of the Earth, etc.  The #1 Threat is almost always Colbert's nemesis, "bears."  This time?

I was sure Mr. Colbert was simply being facetious, but there was a noticeable and unsettling look of actual fear on his face.  He no longer looked like a comedian; he looked like Walter Cronkite reporting the Kennedy assassination.  In fact, immediately after wrapping the Threat Down segment, he canceled his usual guest interview and walked out of the studio.  "I had to go home and see my family," Colbert told viewers the following day, "Pearl Harbor, 9/11, introducing Pickle to the world - these are moments when you have to reassure yourself that there is light in a world of evil."

The next day, Stephen Colbert ran what he called "a very special episode" of The Colbert Report.  Lacking the usual manic energy and dry wit he is so well known for, Colbert spent the first ten minutes pacing the stage, speaking in monotone, philosophizing on our place in the universe.  Finally, after half the crowd had already left the studio, Colbert turned to one of his trademark props - the "On Notice" board.

There's Pickle, just above "Grizzly Bears" and just below "Black Hole at Center of Galaxy."  The remaining audience managed to eek out some muffled laughter, thinking that maybe Colbert was "going all Glenn Beck on us," especially when Colbert started openly weeping.  Mr. Colbert then fled the stage, leaving the audience in a state of shock until a producer came out to inform them where they could get their tickets refunded.  Production on The Colbert Report, according to Comedy Central, is now on "indefinite hiatus."

Re: Goddesses, Winning?

Joel,

I'm a little offended.  Kim Kardashian is one thing, but you should know not to believe everything those paparazzi bastards print about me.  Here's how it really went down:

I just got done working my Kobe shift and needed to blow off some steam.  I went to a party at the house of an unnamed star of the hit television show CSI: Miami.  I was sitting on that couch minding my own business, chewing on a delicious piece of dried bull penis (What? I'm a dog.).  Somehow Sheen and those bimbos caught wind of the raging party and crashed it.  They sat down long enough for that a-hole to snap a picture before I bolted.  I mean, the smell of those people alone is enough to gag a mule.  I chased the guy around the party for a little while trying to grab the camera but all I managed to do was take a chunk out of his ankle.  Honestly, I was about 4 hits of acid in so half the time I thought I was chasing a turquoise spider monkey around.

These are my goddesses and I always win.  Don't you forget it.

The F Word

By now we're all tired of hearing about Kobe's "fucking faggot" remark toward a ref after a call he didn't agree with.  Some people are offended, most don't care.  Personally, I thought South Park already ruled on this matter.  If you haven't seen the episode, do your self a favor and watch it: http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s13e12-the-f-word.  In the episode, the people of South Park, US Senate, and Merriam-Webster come to the conclusion that definition of the word fag is outdated.  It is no longer a gay slur.  The new definition is as follows:

Fag (făg) n.
1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders.
2. A loud and obnoxious person who owns or frequently rides a Harley. 

Apparently David Stern hasn't seen the episode and thus is not privy to this information.  He felt the need to make an example out of Kobe.  The weird thing is, I started noticing Pickle mysteriously disappearing whenever the Lakers were playing.  I later saw this picture and figured out what was going on.  Stern hired Pickle as the NBA's enforcer of its stance against f word usage.  Pickle is instructed to escort Kobe to the locker room and "teach him a lesson" if he utters another gay slur.

Goddesses. Winning?

Our resident celeb-gossip aficionado sent us this picture.  Apparently even Pickle is not immune to the Charlie Sheen phenomenon...

Come on, Pickle.  One day you're caught in morning-after pics with Kim Kardashian, the next you're slumming with a Warlock and his pornstar "goddesses?"  What's up with that?

Mortal Kombat

In recognition of our recent addiction to the new Mortal Kombat game (in stores now!), we decided to pay homage to a little-known character from MK3...

Remember the "Animality" finishing move? ..... Yeah.  Neither do we.

Re: The Ladies Man

Hey Joel,

You know what's more common than Kim Kardashian texting me for a booty call?  Two bitches fighting over who who gets to have breakfast with me after a three-way.  But seriously, Kim loves me.  I guess I'm her type (black and freakishly athletic).

First Fan-Submitted Photo!

Dusty Loy, a pantomimic ventriloquist from Schenectady, NY, submitted his jerk-in-training, Mali, in the process of destroying a chew toy.  Hey, Jeffrey Dahmer started with squirrels.

New "tuf stuff" stuffed raccoon, disembowled in 15 minutes

Thanks Dusty, and remember to sleep with one eye open!

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Brian De Palma (director of Scarface) shot us an email last night:

Guys,

You have probably heard of me.  Even though no one in your pathetic generation can comprehend the greatness of my films, I'm sure you've seen some of them.  The indoctrination of Scarface into popular culture makes me sick.  It was a low-budget turd that was polished by nothing but my own genius.  This may be my most famous work, but my greatest masterpiece is Snake Eyes with the delightful Nicolas Cage.  But you wouldn't know that, now would you?  But of course this is neither here nor there...

My producer from Scarface sent me a frantic email yesterday with a link to your site.  I opened it and immediately shit my pants.  Your anti-Christ of a dog hung around that crap hole Scarface set for about a week.  He strutted around like he owned the place.  That little asshole held up production for three days.  He'd get in the shot and refuse to leave, ripping anyone's face off who got near him.  Pacino was absolutely terrified of him.  Pickle would chase and terrorize him constantly.  Pacino ran around and screamed the highest-pitched scream my ears have ever heard....pathetic.  Check out the attached picture.

You must have sold your souls to the devil in order to tame that bastard dog.  I don't know how you acquired him but I would advise you to never drop your guard in front of him.  I'm sure he's plotting some diabolical scheme to torture and kill you.  If I ever see that dog again, I'm going to set it ablaze.  I carry a personal flame thrower ever since Scarface.

Infinitely yours,

THE Brian De Palma

The Ladies Man

A friend of mine who is a little too into celebrity gossip sent me this picture:

So, Pickle, what's up with you and Kim Kardashian?  Please show some tact in your response.

Hitler Youth

I always suspected that Pickle was a Nazi.  He salutes me with a seig heil at least five times a day.  At first I wrote it off as his way of begging for treats, but then I saw this picture.  I was killing time on the internet when I came across it on militaryimages.net.  This little jerk was some kind of Nazi drill sergeant!

Clearly Pickle's past goes much deeper than anyone knows...

New Habit

Well, looks like things might be worse than we thought.  A friend of mine sent me this photo they found while browsing an online news site.  Before I saw this, I didn't really know what to make of that Polaroid I found at the garage sale; I just assumed it was a random Shiba Inu from the past.  But now....

Shout Out To My Bitches

What up bitches?  There's plenty of room for you in my bed.  Bring your friends.  But after we're done, you gotta go.

The Revelation

Corey and I are addicted to Pawn Stars.  My therapist confirmed it.  Anyway, we thought it would be a prudent idea to visit a local garage sale and see if we could hit some antique gold mines.  Long story short, we didn't find much other than fake Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts and musty old board games.  Out of sheer boredom, I opened up a shoebox of old Polaroids.  After shuffling through dozens of pictures of a family vacation to Wisconsin Dells, I stumbled upon a photo that the laws of physics could not possibly explain.  With a "you look like you just woke up next to Betty White" look on my face, I approached Corey with the photo in-hand.  We couldn't have known it at the time, but what we found would change everything.

A Shiba Inu, that looks exactly like Corey's dog Pickle, in an old Polaroid with '70s-era dice-shooting pimps. ... What the hell???