Meet Stella, My Main Bitch

 

Stella's mom sent this pic to us.  She claims Stella sustained these injuries after she learned how to roll the car window down and jumped out...right.  That's a cute story from a delusional parent.  Stella and I both know what really happened.  It was a pretty common accident, really.  I got home late last night after visiting my buddy Herman Cain.  I'd been drinking on the way home so I decided to text Stella for a booty call.  Of course, she obliged.  

We decided we wanted to get a little crazy so we ended up taking some acid...and a little angel dust.  I started getting really hungry so after Stella morphed into a big pink bunny I thought, mmmmmm looks delicious.  I came to after a couple bites when I realized it tasted nothing like sweet, succulent rabbit.  It was an honest mistake.  By the way Stella, I've always been a sucker for the cone look.  Hit me up.

The Godfather, Part IV

FROM:  Me <joel@mydogthejerk.com>

TO:  Pickle <pickle@milfcountry.com>

CC:  Corey <corey@mydogthejerk.com>

SUBJECT:  Herman Cain

Pickle,

I've attached a link to an article I just found on CNN.  Do you know anything about this?

Joel

========================================

ATTACHMENT:

Sep 29, 7:28 PM EDT

Herman Cain Missing, Search Begins

By PAT McCROTCH

Associated Press

STOCKBRIDGE, GA - GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain has been declared missing, according to the Henry County Sheriff's Department.  Henry County Sherrif Keith McBrayer, in a news conference that wrapped just minutes ago, revealed that Mr. Cain has not been seen or heard from for over 72 hours.  Mr. Cain's last public appearance was a Sept. 26 campaign speech in Columbia, S.C., after which the former Godfather's Pizza CEO canceled his usual post-speech meet-and-greets.  

"Mr. Cain usually spends close to an hour after a speech meeting with his supporters," Cain campaign manager Mark Block said to reporters.  "On Monday, he simply walked straight from the stage to the campaign bus.  It was a particularly good speech, I saw nothing abnormal going on.  The situation seemed innocuous enough."

Mr. Cain's campaign bus was scheduled to drive Monday night from Columbia to Charleston, S.C., but never made that trip.  "We had everything packed up and ready to go, but we couldn't find our boss anywhere," said a campaign worker.  "He wasn't on the bus, nor was he anywhere around the event location.  Any calls to his cell phone went straight to voicemail.  I have no idea where he went.  We're all very worried."

Sherrif McBrayer assured the assembled media that "every effort is being made" to locate Mr. Cain's whereabouts.  The FBI is expected to join the investigation soon.  Foul play is not suspected at this time.

========================================

FROM:  Pickle <pickle@milfcountry.com>

TO:  Me <joel@mydogthejerk.com>

CC:  Corey <corey@mydogthejerk.com>

SUBJECT:  Re: Herman Cain

Joel,

Do I know anything about what?  You usually send me links to lame youtube videos and so-called "funny" blogs.  Even then, I have to filter those out from all the shitty forwards you send me every day.  Why do you feel obligated to re-forward that mindless garbage to the unsuspecting innocent?  You're either an idiot or a sadist, and I'd never peg you as the latter.

Yes, I did read the attached article, and it bored the shit out of me.  Here's an attachment that's worth people's time.  Feel free to forward this to your friends, even though your email address is probably on all your friends' spam lists.

Pickle

========================================

ATTACHMENT:

Pawlenty?

The gruesome demise of Michele Bachmann this past week got me thinking about another former GOP Presidential candidate.  Tim Pawlenty, former candidate and Governor of Minnesota, quit the GOP race back in August after citing a disappointing performance in the Ames, IA Straw Poll.  As I thought back to the moment when Pawlenty dropped his candidacy, I was reminded that his reasoning sounded fishy, at best:

- He finished in third place out of ten candidates, ahead of front-runner Mitt Romney, and that wasn't good enough??

- He spoke very vaguely regarding his decision to end his candidacy, using phrases like "the pathway forward for me doesn't really exist," and "I thought I would have made a great President, but obviously the pathway isn't there."  A lot of talk about "pathways," not a lot of actual explanation.

- The big question mark:  Pawlenty's withdrawal came only hours after he posted on Twitter, "Our campaign needed to show progress and it did.  I'm eager for the campaign ahead."

Long story short, Pawlenty's White Flag Moment seemed way too sudden for there not to be something else going on in the background to influence his decision-making.  

That's when I found this...

Photo of Gov. Pawlenty, moments before he dropped out of the race

Two down, a few dozen to go...

Michele Bachmann Found Dead in Her Trailer

I just found this article on the AP site.  Either Pickle is taking his run for the presidency pretty seriously, or he just really hates Michele Bachmann.  Watch out America, Pickle is locking shit down!

Sep 21, 6:25 PM EDT

Michele Bachmann Found Dead in Her Trailer

By ANDREW TAYLOR

Associated Press

ST. CLOUD, MN - Michele Bachmann was found dead in her dirty double-wide just outside of Minneapolis this evening.  More shocking than her actual death is the appalling filth this high caliber politician was found in.  According to the coroner, Bachmann had been deceased quite sometime before police were contacted.  Neighbors that were interviewed had no idea any foul play had occurred.  Apparently the constant smell of trash and feces emanating from the trailer masked the smell of rotting flesh.  A neighbor asked to give a statement had this to say, "I ain't had no idea she was dead in there.  Tell ya the truth, if I find the s.o.b. that did this I'ma slit his damn throat.  Tea Party for life!"

There was obviously quite a struggle in the trailer.  Bachmann is littered with cuts and bruises.  The ultimate cause of death is thought to be a laceration to her jugular vein. Its quite a peculiar crime scene.  The coroner says "Its as though she was mauled by a wolverine or something.  At this point, there are more questions than answers."  Things are getting weird up here in Minnesota, folks.  We'll have more on this story as details become available.

Crying Over the Facebook Changes?

A Message From Pickle

First of all, f%*# you Joel.  My laptop is worth more than your LIFE.  I hope you had time to take a look around - there's porn on there you could NEVER understand.  I could turn you gay and back again with a few clicks of the mouse.  I have that power. 

Anyway, yes, you found a picture that says "Pickle 2012."  Bravo.  Now you know about my closet life as an amateur photoshop artist.  And despite what you think the picture implies, it means nothing.

And by nothing, I mean the end of days.


That's right, mother&#$*@#s.  Pickle 2012.  I am seeking the GOP nomination for President of the United States.  And if you don't like it, f$*# you.  You won't survive the first three weeks of my Administration, anyway.

Obama ran on a campaign of "Hope" and "Change."  "Hope" is for pussies.  "Change" is the bus fare I gave your mom after she tried cuddling with me last night.

My campaign will consist of you, voting for me, or else.


Get on board.  Or get to work on your Last Will and Testament.

Fan-Submitted Photo #2

This photo is from Julie from The Misanthropic Shiba (a perfect companion site to ours, as it turns out), who owns a Shiba Inu like Pickle.  We're not sure if Pickle and Tierce have met, but if they do, God help us all.

This is the face of a dog planning to trip you down the stairs in the near future.

Found on Pickle's Laptop...

I shudder to imagine what this is all about...

We're waiting for an explanation, Pickle.