Meet Stella, My Main Bitch

 

Stella's mom sent this pic to us.  She claims Stella sustained these injuries after she learned how to roll the car window down and jumped out...right.  That's a cute story from a delusional parent.  Stella and I both know what really happened.  It was a pretty common accident, really.  I got home late last night after visiting my buddy Herman Cain.  I'd been drinking on the way home so I decided to text Stella for a booty call.  Of course, she obliged.  

We decided we wanted to get a little crazy so we ended up taking some acid...and a little angel dust.  I started getting really hungry so after Stella morphed into a big pink bunny I thought, mmmmmm looks delicious.  I came to after a couple bites when I realized it tasted nothing like sweet, succulent rabbit.  It was an honest mistake.  By the way Stella, I've always been a sucker for the cone look.  Hit me up.

The Godfather, Part IV

FROM:  Me <joel@mydogthejerk.com>

TO:  Pickle <pickle@milfcountry.com>

CC:  Corey <corey@mydogthejerk.com>

SUBJECT:  Herman Cain

Pickle,

I've attached a link to an article I just found on CNN.  Do you know anything about this?

Joel

========================================

ATTACHMENT:

Sep 29, 7:28 PM EDT

Herman Cain Missing, Search Begins

By PAT McCROTCH

Associated Press

STOCKBRIDGE, GA - GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain has been declared missing, according to the Henry County Sheriff's Department.  Henry County Sherrif Keith McBrayer, in a news conference that wrapped just minutes ago, revealed that Mr. Cain has not been seen or heard from for over 72 hours.  Mr. Cain's last public appearance was a Sept. 26 campaign speech in Columbia, S.C., after which the former Godfather's Pizza CEO canceled his usual post-speech meet-and-greets.  

"Mr. Cain usually spends close to an hour after a speech meeting with his supporters," Cain campaign manager Mark Block said to reporters.  "On Monday, he simply walked straight from the stage to the campaign bus.  It was a particularly good speech, I saw nothing abnormal going on.  The situation seemed innocuous enough."

Mr. Cain's campaign bus was scheduled to drive Monday night from Columbia to Charleston, S.C., but never made that trip.  "We had everything packed up and ready to go, but we couldn't find our boss anywhere," said a campaign worker.  "He wasn't on the bus, nor was he anywhere around the event location.  Any calls to his cell phone went straight to voicemail.  I have no idea where he went.  We're all very worried."

Sherrif McBrayer assured the assembled media that "every effort is being made" to locate Mr. Cain's whereabouts.  The FBI is expected to join the investigation soon.  Foul play is not suspected at this time.

========================================

FROM:  Pickle <pickle@milfcountry.com>

TO:  Me <joel@mydogthejerk.com>

CC:  Corey <corey@mydogthejerk.com>

SUBJECT:  Re: Herman Cain

Joel,

Do I know anything about what?  You usually send me links to lame youtube videos and so-called "funny" blogs.  Even then, I have to filter those out from all the shitty forwards you send me every day.  Why do you feel obligated to re-forward that mindless garbage to the unsuspecting innocent?  You're either an idiot or a sadist, and I'd never peg you as the latter.

Yes, I did read the attached article, and it bored the shit out of me.  Here's an attachment that's worth people's time.  Feel free to forward this to your friends, even though your email address is probably on all your friends' spam lists.

Pickle

========================================

ATTACHMENT:

Pawlenty?

The gruesome demise of Michele Bachmann this past week got me thinking about another former GOP Presidential candidate.  Tim Pawlenty, former candidate and Governor of Minnesota, quit the GOP race back in August after citing a disappointing performance in the Ames, IA Straw Poll.  As I thought back to the moment when Pawlenty dropped his candidacy, I was reminded that his reasoning sounded fishy, at best:

- He finished in third place out of ten candidates, ahead of front-runner Mitt Romney, and that wasn't good enough??

- He spoke very vaguely regarding his decision to end his candidacy, using phrases like "the pathway forward for me doesn't really exist," and "I thought I would have made a great President, but obviously the pathway isn't there."  A lot of talk about "pathways," not a lot of actual explanation.

- The big question mark:  Pawlenty's withdrawal came only hours after he posted on Twitter, "Our campaign needed to show progress and it did.  I'm eager for the campaign ahead."

Long story short, Pawlenty's White Flag Moment seemed way too sudden for there not to be something else going on in the background to influence his decision-making.  

That's when I found this...

Photo of Gov. Pawlenty, moments before he dropped out of the race

Two down, a few dozen to go...

Michele Bachmann Found Dead in Her Trailer

I just found this article on the AP site.  Either Pickle is taking his run for the presidency pretty seriously, or he just really hates Michele Bachmann.  Watch out America, Pickle is locking shit down!

Sep 21, 6:25 PM EDT

Michele Bachmann Found Dead in Her Trailer

By ANDREW TAYLOR

Associated Press

ST. CLOUD, MN - Michele Bachmann was found dead in her dirty double-wide just outside of Minneapolis this evening.  More shocking than her actual death is the appalling filth this high caliber politician was found in.  According to the coroner, Bachmann had been deceased quite sometime before police were contacted.  Neighbors that were interviewed had no idea any foul play had occurred.  Apparently the constant smell of trash and feces emanating from the trailer masked the smell of rotting flesh.  A neighbor asked to give a statement had this to say, "I ain't had no idea she was dead in there.  Tell ya the truth, if I find the s.o.b. that did this I'ma slit his damn throat.  Tea Party for life!"

There was obviously quite a struggle in the trailer.  Bachmann is littered with cuts and bruises.  The ultimate cause of death is thought to be a laceration to her jugular vein. Its quite a peculiar crime scene.  The coroner says "Its as though she was mauled by a wolverine or something.  At this point, there are more questions than answers."  Things are getting weird up here in Minnesota, folks.  We'll have more on this story as details become available.

Crying Over the Facebook Changes?

A Message From Pickle

First of all, f%*# you Joel.  My laptop is worth more than your LIFE.  I hope you had time to take a look around - there's porn on there you could NEVER understand.  I could turn you gay and back again with a few clicks of the mouse.  I have that power. 

Anyway, yes, you found a picture that says "Pickle 2012."  Bravo.  Now you know about my closet life as an amateur photoshop artist.  And despite what you think the picture implies, it means nothing.

And by nothing, I mean the end of days.


That's right, mother&#$*@#s.  Pickle 2012.  I am seeking the GOP nomination for President of the United States.  And if you don't like it, f$*# you.  You won't survive the first three weeks of my Administration, anyway.

Obama ran on a campaign of "Hope" and "Change."  "Hope" is for pussies.  "Change" is the bus fare I gave your mom after she tried cuddling with me last night.

My campaign will consist of you, voting for me, or else.


Get on board.  Or get to work on your Last Will and Testament.

Fan-Submitted Photo #2

This photo is from Julie from The Misanthropic Shiba (a perfect companion site to ours, as it turns out), who owns a Shiba Inu like Pickle.  We're not sure if Pickle and Tierce have met, but if they do, God help us all.

This is the face of a dog planning to trip you down the stairs in the near future.

Found on Pickle's Laptop...

I shudder to imagine what this is all about...

We're waiting for an explanation, Pickle.

Contribute!

Have a dog?  Have photoshop skills and/or a deep-seated distrust of Man's Best Friend?  Send us your photos at mydogthejerk@gmail.com with a caption or description and we'll post it here!  The only requirement is that it has to make us laugh, or make us fear for the future of our species, or, God forbid, both.

The Adventures of Pickle

Aside from my better-known interests (sex, drugs, trance music, more drugs, anarchy, biting cops, general violence, selling drugs, stealing the drugs back after I've sold them, sleeping 18 hours a day, interspecies intercourse, hunting endangered species, hunting human, hunting p***y, interior design), I am a budding author.  More specifically, I write children's books.  Now, before you all get your panties in a bunch (assuming you wear them, which I don't), I keep my writing completely separate from my personal life.

Well, for the most part.

Click the link below to see my first book, The Adventures of Pickle.  Enjoy!

The Adventures of Pickle

Colbert

It seems a certain TV personality has taken notice of Pickle and his exploits.  In a recent episode of "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert ran his "Threatdown" segment, where he alerts the public to the greatest threats to mankind, national security, the tilt of the Earth, etc.  The #1 Threat is almost always Colbert's nemesis, "bears."  This time?

I was sure Mr. Colbert was simply being facetious, but there was a noticeable and unsettling look of actual fear on his face.  He no longer looked like a comedian; he looked like Walter Cronkite reporting the Kennedy assassination.  In fact, immediately after wrapping the Threat Down segment, he canceled his usual guest interview and walked out of the studio.  "I had to go home and see my family," Colbert told viewers the following day, "Pearl Harbor, 9/11, introducing Pickle to the world - these are moments when you have to reassure yourself that there is light in a world of evil."

The next day, Stephen Colbert ran what he called "a very special episode" of The Colbert Report.  Lacking the usual manic energy and dry wit he is so well known for, Colbert spent the first ten minutes pacing the stage, speaking in monotone, philosophizing on our place in the universe.  Finally, after half the crowd had already left the studio, Colbert turned to one of his trademark props - the "On Notice" board.

There's Pickle, just above "Grizzly Bears" and just below "Black Hole at Center of Galaxy."  The remaining audience managed to eek out some muffled laughter, thinking that maybe Colbert was "going all Glenn Beck on us," especially when Colbert started openly weeping.  Mr. Colbert then fled the stage, leaving the audience in a state of shock until a producer came out to inform them where they could get their tickets refunded.  Production on The Colbert Report, according to Comedy Central, is now on "indefinite hiatus."

Re: Goddesses, Winning?

Joel,

I'm a little offended.  Kim Kardashian is one thing, but you should know not to believe everything those paparazzi bastards print about me.  Here's how it really went down:

I just got done working my Kobe shift and needed to blow off some steam.  I went to a party at the house of an unnamed star of the hit television show CSI: Miami.  I was sitting on that couch minding my own business, chewing on a delicious piece of dried bull penis (What? I'm a dog.).  Somehow Sheen and those bimbos caught wind of the raging party and crashed it.  They sat down long enough for that a-hole to snap a picture before I bolted.  I mean, the smell of those people alone is enough to gag a mule.  I chased the guy around the party for a little while trying to grab the camera but all I managed to do was take a chunk out of his ankle.  Honestly, I was about 4 hits of acid in so half the time I thought I was chasing a turquoise spider monkey around.

These are my goddesses and I always win.  Don't you forget it.

The F Word

By now we're all tired of hearing about Kobe's "fucking faggot" remark toward a ref after a call he didn't agree with.  Some people are offended, most don't care.  Personally, I thought South Park already ruled on this matter.  If you haven't seen the episode, do your self a favor and watch it: http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s13e12-the-f-word.  In the episode, the people of South Park, US Senate, and Merriam-Webster come to the conclusion that definition of the word fag is outdated.  It is no longer a gay slur.  The new definition is as follows:

Fag (făg) n.
1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders.
2. A loud and obnoxious person who owns or frequently rides a Harley. 

Apparently David Stern hasn't seen the episode and thus is not privy to this information.  He felt the need to make an example out of Kobe.  The weird thing is, I started noticing Pickle mysteriously disappearing whenever the Lakers were playing.  I later saw this picture and figured out what was going on.  Stern hired Pickle as the NBA's enforcer of its stance against f word usage.  Pickle is instructed to escort Kobe to the locker room and "teach him a lesson" if he utters another gay slur.

Goddesses. Winning?

Our resident celeb-gossip aficionado sent us this picture.  Apparently even Pickle is not immune to the Charlie Sheen phenomenon...

Come on, Pickle.  One day you're caught in morning-after pics with Kim Kardashian, the next you're slumming with a Warlock and his pornstar "goddesses?"  What's up with that?

Mortal Kombat

In recognition of our recent addiction to the new Mortal Kombat game (in stores now!), we decided to pay homage to a little-known character from MK3...

Remember the "Animality" finishing move? ..... Yeah.  Neither do we.

Re: The Ladies Man

Hey Joel,

You know what's more common than Kim Kardashian texting me for a booty call?  Two bitches fighting over who who gets to have breakfast with me after a three-way.  But seriously, Kim loves me.  I guess I'm her type (black and freakishly athletic).

First Fan-Submitted Photo!

Dusty Loy, a pantomimic ventriloquist from Schenectady, NY, submitted his jerk-in-training, Mali, in the process of destroying a chew toy.  Hey, Jeffrey Dahmer started with squirrels.

New "tuf stuff" stuffed raccoon, disembowled in 15 minutes

Thanks Dusty, and remember to sleep with one eye open!

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Brian De Palma (director of Scarface) shot us an email last night:

Guys,

You have probably heard of me.  Even though no one in your pathetic generation can comprehend the greatness of my films, I'm sure you've seen some of them.  The indoctrination of Scarface into popular culture makes me sick.  It was a low-budget turd that was polished by nothing but my own genius.  This may be my most famous work, but my greatest masterpiece is Snake Eyes with the delightful Nicolas Cage.  But you wouldn't know that, now would you?  But of course this is neither here nor there...

My producer from Scarface sent me a frantic email yesterday with a link to your site.  I opened it and immediately shit my pants.  Your anti-Christ of a dog hung around that crap hole Scarface set for about a week.  He strutted around like he owned the place.  That little asshole held up production for three days.  He'd get in the shot and refuse to leave, ripping anyone's face off who got near him.  Pacino was absolutely terrified of him.  Pickle would chase and terrorize him constantly.  Pacino ran around and screamed the highest-pitched scream my ears have ever heard....pathetic.  Check out the attached picture.

You must have sold your souls to the devil in order to tame that bastard dog.  I don't know how you acquired him but I would advise you to never drop your guard in front of him.  I'm sure he's plotting some diabolical scheme to torture and kill you.  If I ever see that dog again, I'm going to set it ablaze.  I carry a personal flame thrower ever since Scarface.

Infinitely yours,

THE Brian De Palma

The Ladies Man

A friend of mine who is a little too into celebrity gossip sent me this picture:

So, Pickle, what's up with you and Kim Kardashian?  Please show some tact in your response.

Hitler Youth

I always suspected that Pickle was a Nazi.  He salutes me with a seig heil at least five times a day.  At first I wrote it off as his way of begging for treats, but then I saw this picture.  I was killing time on the internet when I came across it on militaryimages.net.  This little jerk was some kind of Nazi drill sergeant!

Clearly Pickle's past goes much deeper than anyone knows...

New Habit

Well, looks like things might be worse than we thought.  A friend of mine sent me this photo they found while browsing an online news site.  Before I saw this, I didn't really know what to make of that Polaroid I found at the garage sale; I just assumed it was a random Shiba Inu from the past.  But now....

Shout Out To My Bitches

What up bitches?  There's plenty of room for you in my bed.  Bring your friends.  But after we're done, you gotta go.

The Revelation

Corey and I are addicted to Pawn Stars.  My therapist confirmed it.  Anyway, we thought it would be a prudent idea to visit a local garage sale and see if we could hit some antique gold mines.  Long story short, we didn't find much other than fake Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts and musty old board games.  Out of sheer boredom, I opened up a shoebox of old Polaroids.  After shuffling through dozens of pictures of a family vacation to Wisconsin Dells, I stumbled upon a photo that the laws of physics could not possibly explain.  With a "you look like you just woke up next to Betty White" look on my face, I approached Corey with the photo in-hand.  We couldn't have known it at the time, but what we found would change everything.

A Shiba Inu, that looks exactly like Corey's dog Pickle, in an old Polaroid with '70s-era dice-shooting pimps. ... What the hell???